Biden endorses PMS Score for college admission
In wake of SCOTUS decision on affirmative action, PMS shifts to overdrive (satire)...
President Biden is resurrecting the College Board’s 2019 Parental Misfortune Score (PMS). Developed in secret by a highly compensated, diversified, multidisciplinary panel of bureaucratic bootlickers, the PMS Score is designed to give disadvantaged kids a backdoor into America’s best colleges and universities.
“If we can’t use race, sexual preference, or gender, dog-gone-it we need to find something (other than grades and test scores)”, barked Biden, wondering around in a fiery stupor like a broken-down old turkey farmer after a fifth of sour mash.
“God dammit, how the f**k don't you know this, you lying, dog-faced pony soldiers…” he yelled at staff, careening over a White House credenza.
From the 2019 AP article (updated this week)…
Another SAT Bombshell: College Board adds “Parental Misfortune Score”
Unlike Adversity Score, PMS ranks students on how shitty you are as a parent.
Riding a wave of press surrounding the SAT Adversity Score (measuring “social disadvantage”, to favor kids from poor neighborhoods in admissions), the Board will add another adversity component focused on a student’s family life.
The PMS score considers 38 data points to measure disadvantage in the home, including nutrition, screen time, cleanliness, vaccination status, and alcohol consumption. A score of 50 is average; above 70 means “notable parental misfortune”.
“Through no fault of their own, these kids (with high PMS scores) lost the gene lottery”, said Dick Skinner, President of the College Board.
Unlike the Adversity Score, derived from the Census using factors not sourced to individuals, all factors in PMS are sourced from your home.
Families of children as young as three will be visited by uniformed inspectors from the National Health Interview Survey, the principle health database on the civilian, non-institutionalized population and major data collection program of the National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS). NCHS is now building longitudinal PMS scores for all students from preschool through college graduation.
Experts say it’s like an inverse Social Credit Score sourced from parents.
While PMS does not consider race or sexual orientation, the lines are blurred. For example, PMS Inspectors are not allowed to cite sexual preference, but they can require an evening of observation in the students’ or parents’ bedroom.
“After hours, we’re looking for physical, verbal or emotional abuse, drug or alcohol consumption, and behavior disruptive to sleep. These boost a child’s PMS Score, while baths, bedtime stories, homework, family dinners and prayer will count against the child”, said PMS Chief Program Architect Phyllis Mainaird.
Routine daytime visits include hygiene checks, vaccination raids, toilet seat inspections, and laboratory tests against any and all substances inside the mini-van’s cupholders. Asked if vaccination status counts for or against PMS scores, Mainaird replied “Depends on who gives the shot. But in the end, everyone gets vaccinated”.
Spending habits from credit cards are monitored, while voice data from smart devices are scanned for mis-, dis-, and mal-information.
Television and social media engagement are machinated using predictive analytics from a three-way partnership between the College Board, NHIS, and Big Tech. Cable television network Bravo triggers an automatic PMS boost of 10 points.
The goal – according to SAT Administrators – is to artificially advance unqualified students who face challenging home environments and poor parenting.
“The old way is biased. Kids from homes that work hard, practice math and learn vocabulary are likely to outperform those whose parents watch TikTok and don’t value discipline or teach self-control”, said Mainaird. “It’s unfair”.
“Our vision is for a future where all kids get the same SAT scores”.
“We’re well on the way”, added Skinner. “If we can underweight scholastic rankings by balancing social ones, we can engineer student bodies perfect in their diversity, completely indistinguishable from student to student, like the gaseous nebula of interstellar space. We want children to fall back on social positioning, rather than see effort and accomplishment as the sole measures by which they’re ranked”.
Republicans, Democrats, and university administrators praised the policy. “It’s about time,” said Duke Johnson, President of the UC system.
“We’re turning down too many students. They’re lined up, loans approved by Uncle Sam, wheelbarrows full of borrowed money, and we have to send them away because they aren’t prepared academically. PMS scores will level the playing field. Now everyone can pay us $56,000 annually, plus room and board. It’s a win-win.”
Asked if the policy would drive up tuition, VP Kamala Harris replied, “To hell with the costs. This is America. We’ll print the difference.”